Recycling of Pain: Breaking the Pattern

Growing up as a little girl, I received many beatings from my mum. Just like every other African mother, they do not spare the rod and spoil the child. At that time, I must collect a slap or beating for every misbehavior or act. It got to a point where I became afraid to sit close to my mum or even see her raise her hands. It was so bad that she might want to raise her hands to pick up something, and I would flinch in fear. Sometimes, when I flinch, she would just call my name and overlook it. Growing up, I was afraid to tell my mum some things because I did not want to attract more beatings. The fear sat deep in my chest like a shadow that followed me everywhere.

Recently, I noticed something about myself. When I am with people, especially friends, I always raise my hand to beat them jokingly. They even complain that my hand is painful. Sometimes, I do not even know when I do it. You may say something funny or slightly annoying, and my first reaction is to hit you. It comes so naturally that I do not think twice. It feels like a reflex my childhood trained into me.

Lately, I began to be conscious of it so as not to repeat such a pattern because correcting people or a child with cane is not the only or best way. The fact that I was raised with beating does not mean I should beat people or my children at every slight mistake. Sometimes, what a child needs is to sit them down and talk to them. This shows the child that you love and care. A child who is always beaten begins to believe that love hurts. They begin to see correction as brutality and authority as something to fear. That is not what parenting should be.

A Second Story: Learned Violence

There is someone I know who beats the hell out of his wife like it is an everyday routine. It is always heavy beating, and most times, the woman has just put to birth or is even pregnant. He beats her in front of the children without caring about her health or how the children feel. The woman usually cries through the pain or runs back to her parents’ house, only to return to her husband after a few weeks. The cycle continues. Neighbors complain. The children cry. The mother hides her tears. The father raises his hands again.

I used to wonder why a man would beat his own wife like that, especially when she is carrying his child. Until one day, I heard his mother say that this is exactly how her husband used to beat her when he was alive. Older people confirmed the story. They explained that when the man was a little boy, his father would beat his mother so much that sometimes he would hand him a cane and tell him to beat his own mum, and he did it.

That means his father mentored him to become an addicted woman-beater. From a boy, he learned by example. He grew thinking beating a woman is normal. Sadly, his children are now seeing the same thing and copying it. Unless they rise to heal and change, they will grow up and beat their own wives too because trauma has become their teacher. That is how a painful pattern keeps repeating itself.

From my own story, you can see how patterns are about to play out. From what I felt as a child to what I am about to become, the reflection is clear. If I do not heal from that, I might raise children who cannot relate freely with me or are afraid of me. A home that should be warm will instead carry tension. Children should run to their parents, not hide from them.

From the second story, the pattern played so well because there was no transformation, no intervention, and no healing. Hurt people often hurt people. We become what raised us if we are not intentional. There is this saying that we do not choose our background, but we can choose not to be like it. It is already bad enough that you came from a dysfunctional family, but do not allow the trauma or scars of yesterday to change your today or tomorrow.

There is a need for healing and change because if you are not careful, you will vent on children or young ones who are not the cause of your pain.

Biblical Evidence of Recycled Patterns

Generational cycles are not new. Scripture shows examples of repeated behaviors flowing through families.

We can see this example of repeated pattern in King David’s family. In 2 Samuel 11:2-4, David slept with Bathsheba, the wife of one of his loyal soldiers, Uriah. Later in 2 Samuel 16:21-22, David’s son Absalom was advised by Ahithophel, David’s own counselor, to sleep with his father’s wives publicly on a rooftop. The same pattern of sexual misconduct and betrayal continued in the next generation, repeating the father’s sin almost in the same location and manner.

• Abraham lied that Sarah was his sister out of fear (Genesis 12 and 20).

• Isaac, his son, repeated the same lie about Rebekah (Genesis 26).

• Jacob, Isaac’s son, mastered deception to obtain blessings.

• Jacob’s sons deceived him by presenting Joseph’s blood-soaked coat (Genesis 37).

Patterns traveled through four generations.

Another example is found in Exodus 20:5, which warns that the consequences of a parent’s sins can influence generations if not intentionally broken.

These stories show that unhealed behaviors often pass through bloodlines unless someone rises to stop them.

The Silent Damage to Generations

It is easy to play the victim, the one that is hurt. Yet the question remains: how will the later generations feel or be molded by your decisions and indecisions?

For years, people have been giving excuses for their low background and trauma, throwing blames at the older generation for not raising them well or not giving them enough love and resources for their growth. Unknowingly, they are blaming their parents while avoiding personal growth and healing, and raising another generation of hurt and irresponsible children who will grow up to repeat the same accusations.

Instead of changing the narrative, they impose their trauma on the innocent. Children begin to carry emotional debts that do not belong to them.

Home becomes the first battlefield

Healing does not happen by accident. It takes willingness to confront pain. It takes courage to unlearn habits. It requires honesty and accountability.

So what is the escape route?

• Ensure to heal from every pain and trauma before or even in marriage. Open yourself to healing.

• Secondly, choose your traits. Do not import other people’s pain or character.

• Thirdly, watch your lifestyle, emotions, and tendencies. They reveal areas requiring healing.

• Be careful what your children learn from you because they learn faster from your character than from your words.

• Be open to counseling, guidance, and personal development. There is no shame in seeking help.

• Above all, make the Holy Spirit your personal friend. He alone can transform a heart and rewrite a destiny so that your future does not look like your painful past.

2 Corinthians 5:17 reminds us that in Christ we become new creations. Old cycles lose their power when confronted by the truth and grace of God.

A Call to Responsibility

Say no to raising a generation that must heal from you!

Say no to repeating the mistakes that once broke you!

Say no to passing trauma down like inheritance!

 Say no to normalized pain!

Choose to heal. Choose to love differently. Choose to break the chain.

Because the moment you decide to heal, the cycle breaks. 

The moment you choose differently, the future changes.

Refuse to recycle pain.

Rewrite the story.